How to Help a Hyper Child Calm Down
It can feel frustrating and exhausting when your child becomes hyper and unable to control themselves. You’ll see them spinning around in circles, climbing on furniture, emptying out a toy basket then walking away, or running away from you when you try to pick them up for a diaper change. Sometimes the hyperactivity can become dangerous if your child is throwing toys, running around the house, hitting, or kicking. It gets especially tiring when the hyperactivity happens frequently, and nothing you have tried is working
A hyper child can be hard to handle because they are in a different world and they can’t hear you. You want to keep them safe (and keep the house free from accidental damage) and when they don’t listen and can’t control themselves, it can leave you feeling helpless, frustrated, angry, or powerless.
Most of the tips you find online include minimizing distractions, channelizing their energy, outside time, routines, diet changes, playing music, positive reinforcement, and making them relax. These tactics are missing one important thing, and that is how to teach your child how to self regulate, so you don’t have to keep doing it for them. It’s important to help your child learn how to cope with feelings of excitement so they can learn how to behave properly, without relying on external forces to control their behavior. If a child knows how to control themselves, you will spend less time correcting behaviors and more time enjoying the relationship.
Hyper or ADHD?
Hyperactivity happens when your child is overtired, under or overstimulated, bored, having too much sugar, or they might just be naturally energetic. When hyperactivity happens, they can’t calm down by themselves, their bodies are flooded with energy that needs to be dissipated. They might be talking fast, running around, distracted by many things, or just loud.
Being occasionally hyper is different from attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). ADHD is a long-lasting, pervasive, mental health issue. There are several criteria from the DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition) that a child must meet before being diagnosed with ADHD. Just because your child is hyper or doesn’t listen, does not mean they have ADHD. There are many methods you can try before resorting to medication, as many medications for ADHD can cause long term issues when they are given to young children. If you are wondering if your child has ADHD, get them evaluated by a licensed professional.
Self Regulation
So often we are told that we need to control our children and keep them in line. It is important that children behave in a prosocial manner, however, our focus needs to shift from controlling them, to teaching them how to control themselves. Every child will have moments where they feel hyper or excited, and they need to learn how to manage these feelings so they can keep themselves safe while their bodies are full of energy.
Our brains function in **3 states**, rational, emotional, and survival. When we are in our rational state, we can learn, think, communicate clearly, and problem solve. All of us have triggers that put us in our emotional or survival state, and a hyper child can easily push our buttons to send us into these lower states of functioning. When we are sent to our survival state, we often lash out as a way to control our children’s behavior.
Think about the last time your child was hyper. How were you feeling? Were you frustrated, agitated, annoyed, fed up, or tired? These feelings are ***indications*** that you are in your emotional state, and if things continue to progress, it might escalate you into survival. You’ve told your child to stop running around and throwing things and it keeps getting worse. Now you’re angry, there’s no more patience, and you’ve switched to survival.
You won’t be able to teach your child how to calm down if you aren’t calm. If you find yourself in your survival state, it is important to get yourself back to your rational state so that you can be effective in helping your child calm down. Take a deep breath and get oxygen to your brain, you can handle this.
Your child shouldn’t be in trouble for having too much energy, and they shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about feeling excited. Punishing a child for having extra energy can cause anxiety, distrust, and can lead to mental health issues as an adult. Once you get back into your rational state, you will be able to shift your focus to teaching them how to handle their excitement and how to manage themselves when they feel hyper, by using the ***4-Steps***. If you are always controlling your child’s behavior, they won’t have the space to learn how to control themselves.
Read more about the **Color Spectrum of Emotions** so you can better understand your triggers and how they relate to brain states.
The 4 Steps
Here’s how to help a hyper child calm down, using **4 Steps** You can use the 4 Steps on your child or yourself, depending on who is having a hard time with the situation. If your child has a safe and loving space to experience their emotions, they will be able to learn how to recognize how they are feeling and what to do about it.
For example, your child keeps jumping off the couch after you’ve told them to stop. Each time you tell them to stop, they laugh and keep jumping.
Identify
The first step is to identify what emotion your child is feeling, as well as what emotion you are feeling. Give a name to the emotion, and that will help you and your child understand what is happening so you can navigate. Go over to your child, and be sure you are present in the moment so they are better able to take you seriously. Obviously, in this situation your child is feeling hyper, so you could say something like:
“You’re feeling hyper and full of energy, and you just want to jump and climb”
During this step, also identify your feelings. Are you getting frustrated that they aren’t listening? Are you tired from a long day and don’t have the energy to get them to calm down? Are you fed up with their behavior? It’s ok to feel these feelings, being a parent is hard work. Identify how you are feeling, you could just acknowledge the feelings you have, or even say it out loud:
“I’m feeling frustrated that you aren’t listening”
Once you name the emotion, you take away its power.
Validate
There is a reason your child is feeling hyper, and there is a reason you’re feeling upset. In this step, give yourself some self validation for why you’re feeling frustrated. Your internal monologue is powerful, and if you have a conversation with yourself about where the frustration is coming from, you empower yourself to handle the situation differently:
“I keep telling my child to stop climbing on the couch, and they start laughing and playing instead of taking me seriously. That feels insulting and hurtful. I’m worried for their safety, and I want them to calm down before they get hurt. I also want to keep order in the house so property doesn’t get damaged and so I don’t have to find money to replace broken items.”
Once you realize where your frustration is coming from, you can validate how hard things get sometimes. After you’ve taken a moment to understand your position, then you can shift your focus to be empathetic and understanding for why your child is acting this way. They could be overtired or had too much sugar, maybe they are bored. Do your best to guess why they are acting this way, and help them understand what happened that made them feel so hyper. No one likes feeling out of control, even if it seems like they are having fun.
“You had a few cookies for lunch, and you’re bored because there’s no one to play with. Now you’re feeling silly and you want to have fun by jumping off the couch. It does look fun, and I can see that you have a big smile on your face and that you are laughing. You don’t want to stop jumping because it is fun.”
Breathe
Once you have connected with them and they feel like you are on their side, they need to get oxygen to their brain and get some of that extra energy burnt off. You and your child can do a deep breath together, and that will help both of you center yourselves and come back to your **rational state***. A modified version of muscle tense and release is a great way to spend extra energy while resetting the brain.
One example of this type of breathing is called the “Pufferfish Breath”. Take a deep breath, then clench all the muscles in your body. Squeeze your fists and your facial muscles, close your eyes really tight, and puff your cheeks out (like a pufferfish), then hold it for a few seconds. After a few seconds, slowly relax your muscles, and relax your face as you blow out all the air with an audible “shhhhhh”.
This type of deep breathing will help reset their brains, use up some extra energy all while making a playful and loving connection. There are other **types of deep breathing** you can do with your child, and your child can even choose what type of breath they want to do.
Problem Solve
Children live in the moment, and they act on impulse without much regard for the past or the future. If the child’s impulse is telling them that the couch looks fun to jump from, they might not notice delicate items on the bookcase, or the corner of the coffee table that could do some serious damage if they miss their landing. In order to have them cooperate with your instructions to stop jumping off the couch or spinning in circles, they must be given another option so they can learn how to safely manage themselves when they get hyper.
“I love you and I care about you. I know you want to have fun and jump around, but jumping off the couch is not safe. You could jump too far on accident and hit the TV, or you could fall off and bump your head on the coffee table. There are other ways you can have fun and get your energy out. You could have a dance party or we could go outside and play tag instead. You seem like you’re really excited about jumping, and I saw a few boulders outside that you could jump off of. What would you like to do instead so that you’re safe?”
A Few Tips
Keep routines predictable but flexible
Establish a predictable **Bedtime routine** to prevent your child from becoming overtired
Let them move and get their energy out throughout the day
Engage in ***love links*** throughout the day so your child feels connected to you.
Sometimes just making an honest and loving connection helps them recenter and come back down all by themselves.
