How to Get Your Child to Brush Their Teeth
Brushing your kid’s teeth can be a nightmare sometimes. When they don’t listen, it can leave you feeling frustrated, annoyed, desperate, or even angry. There are tons of tips and tricks out there, and if you’ve tried everything and nothing has worked, keep reading.
It’s really hard when your kid isn’t listening. It's been a long day, bedtime is coming soon and you just want them to brush their teeth so you can get them to bed and have a break. You’re done with the games, it’s not funny anymore.
You care about your child’s wellbeing and want to make sure they are safe and healthy. Brushing their teeth is important so they don’t get cavities or dental disease. Children are often reluctant to cooperate with teeth brushing, and you wish they would just listen so they can be healthy.
Is This a Trigger?
When handling difficult moments with your child, it is important to maintain composure. Take a moment and think back, how were you feeling the last time you struggled to get your kid to brush their teeth? If you were feeling really elevated, does it have anything to do with the way your parents handled teeth brushing for you when you were growing up? How did they handle it? How do you want to do it differently?
If you feel elevated when you’re trying to get your child to brush their teeth, remember that taking a deep breath is an option. You have a choice on how you can handle your frustration, ***click here*** for more information about brain states and emotions.
Your child picks up on your emotions and the more elevated you get, the worse the situation will become.
In order to figure out if this is a trigger for you, think about what brain state you were in. Were you feeling calm and rational, working together with your child to problem solve (green)? Were you feeling on edge or frustrated (yellow)? Were you feeling out of control and angry (red)?
If you were in Yellow, what did you do?
Bargain
“If you brush your teeth we can read an extra story tonight”
Threaten
“Brush your teeth now or you’ll lose TV time tomorrow”
Control
Brush their teeth for them
Plead
“Please brush your teeth, mommy is tired”
If none of that worked, did it send you to red? If so, what did you do?
Lash out
“Ok, that’s it, I’ve had it!”
Walk away
“We’re done, figure it out on your own”
Time out
“Go to your room, no books tonight”
Force
“Open your mouth, I’ll do it for you”
If you are elevated, take a few deep breaths and try to come back down to green. If you are unable to come down, take a step back, rethink your strategy, and try again tomorrow. Missing one night of teeth brushing isn’t going to damage your child. Saying hurtful things or lashing out will.
Shift Your Focus
We all lose control sometimes. If we feel the need to resort to punitive punishments, it’s likely because we don’t know what else to do at that moment. We forget that we have options, and we can’t seem to figure out how to de-escalate ourselves. We use the tools our parents taught us, even if the way they handled situations wasn’t effective or healthy. It’s what we learned, and we are all doing our best.
Keep in mind that no one can force anyone else to act in a certain way without mental health consequences. Children will let you know if they don’t want to do something, and it’s important to listen so they can develop healthy boundaries that will help them develop relationships as adults. But, just because you listen to what they are saying, doesn’t mean they get to run the show. You can listen and understand where they are coming from and still get them to follow directions. In fact, listening and understanding their point of view is key in getting them to cooperate.
You love your child, and you want them to be safe and healthy. If you let them know this during the difficult moments, they will understand where your intention is, and they will be more willing to cooperate. So, instead of banging your head against the wall and trying to make your child do something they don’t want to do, change your focus. What do you want your child to learn? Are they missing a skill? Instead of “My child needs to brush their teeth” shift your intention to “I want to teach my child how to take care of their body so that they are healthy and safe”
In the moment, you could say something like:
“I love you and I care about you. Brushing your teeth is something that you need to do to keep your teeth healthy and your body safe. We brush teeth every night so that bacteria and plaque don’t build up in our mouths and cause cavities. Cavities could hurt, and if you get a cavity you might have to go to the dentist to get it removed. Brushing your teeth helps keep your mouth safe and your teeth healthy and clean.”
The actual words you say don’t matter. If your intention shifts from trying to make your child brush their teeth, to helping them learn how to take care of their body, then the message will be clear to your child. Children are more willing to cooperate if they know they are unconditionally loved.
The 4 Steps to Get Your Child to Brush Their Teeth
Identify
First, and most importantly, you must identify what brain state your child is in, and what they are feeling about the situation. If you have made a **color chart** with your child, you will be able to tell what state they are in by the actions they are doing. The way you handle the situation will be different depending on how your child is behaving. Handling a tired child is very different from handling an angry child.
If your child is running away when you tell them it is time to brush teeth, calmly walk over to them, kneel down,and gently hold their hand. You could say something like
“I noticed that you ran away when I said it is time to brush teeth. You seem like you’re feeling (fill in the emotion you think they are feeling)”
It might take a few guesses, but they will confirm what they are feeling. Once you say the right emotion, you will notice a slight yet obvious shift in their facial expression and body language.
2. Validate
Validate why they are feeling that way. For example, If they are feeling hyper and running around the house, you could say something like
“You ran away because you wanted to play chase instead of brush your teeth. You had a busy day and it’s past your bedtime. Now you’re over-tired and you feel like you’re full of energy. When you get full of energy it’s hard to control your body.”
If you don’t know why they are acting a certain way, always ask so you can understand what’s going on. If they are shaking their head and refusing the toothbrush you could try saying
“You’re shaking your head, telling me you don’t want to brush your teeth. Sometimes it feels uncomfortable to brush your teeth, did something happen that is making it hard for you to brush your teeth tonight?”
Once they explain their reasoning, re-state it to them and let them know their reasoning is valid, even if it might not make sense or seem like a big deal. To them, whatever they are telling you is a big deal.
Validating them helps bring them out of their emotional brain. Being heard and understood is the first step in breaking down the walls of miscommunication.
3. Breathe
After you’ve identified their feeling, and validated why they are feeling that way, it’s time to get them back into green so they will be able to listen and cooperate. Once you’ve connected and made sure they are feeling safe and loved, then it’s time for them to get oxygen to their brain. You could say something like
“Hold my hands and take a deep breath with me. I love you and I care about you and I’m here to keep you safe”
4. Problem Solve
You know your child better than anyone else, and they know themselves better than you. Once you’ve come down to green, you will be able to come up with solutions. At the bottom of this post, there are a few ideas to get you started.
See more about the ***4 Steps to Handling Misbehavior***
Connect & Bond
Throughout the process, your child needs to be reminded that they are loved. No matter how they are behaving, they are still loved. The behavior is hard to handle, but remember that it is a symptom of their brain state. You can use this time to make up new ***Love Links***.
You can turn a stressful experience into something playful and enjoyable. Sing songs while you brush teeth, make silly faces in the mirror, practice counting. If they are running away, you can make a little game out of catching them if they run away. They will remember having fun and then they will be more willing to cooperate each time it is a positive experience.
Be Clear and Consistent
However you choose to handle getting your child to brush their teeth, be sure you are consistent with your expectations. When are they supposed to brush their teeth? How long do they need to brush for? How often?
Be clear about what you expect and give clear instructions. “Put toothpaste on the toothbrush. Brush the bottom teeth, now the top teeth. When you are done, rinse your mouth with water”.
Children are visual learners, and it might be helpful for them to see some pictures of themselves doing a task. It helps them remember what they are supposed to be doing and helps keep them focused. Take a photo of each step in the process, and put it on the wall in the bathroom. You can make your own, or you can ***purchase a template here** and add your photos.
Brainstorming Solutions
Once you’ve de-escalated the situation here are a ideas to get you started on different ways to approach the situation:
Brush with them, and play “Follow the Leader”. Take turns leading and following.
Play a portion of their favorite song while they brush their teeth, have them brush for the duration of the song (60 seconds)
Ask them how they want to brush their teeth. Up and down? Little circles? Molars first?
Give them toothbrush/toothpaste options.
Do you want to use the red or green toothbrush tonight?
Do you want to use spider-man or paw patrol toothpaste tonight?
MOST IMPORTANTLY: Ask them what they need to succeed. They know the answer to this better than anyone else. If you don’t know why they are struggling, you won’t be able to effectively help them.
