How to Make Smooth and Easy Transitions for Kids, from Toddlers to School Age
Abrupt changes can be really hard for children to handle. When a child is focused on something enjoyable, it is often difficult for them to take their attention away. Depending on how this is handled, your child can learn how to be flexible and deal with change, or it could lead to power struggles, fighting, and frustration within the relationship.
Children thrive on consistency and predictability, however, there are times when things happen that are out of your control and your child might struggle more than usual when making transitions. Breaking a child away from what they are doing in order to change the activity can be confusing for a child and can lead to tears and anger. Teaching your child how to transition will help them be more flexible as adults. They will become less stubborn to change activities, less reactive when changes happen. By following the **4-Steps**, you can make these transitional moments smoother and more peaceful for you and your family.
Why are Transitions Hard for Children?
There are many reasons why a child might struggle with transitions. These include things you have little control over like anxiety, autism, and ADHD. As well as other things that you can make changes to, like a chaotic schedule and high-stress levels.
Additionally, many transitions can be challenging for a child such as school drop-off, leaving the playground, turning off the TV or a video game, leaving a friend’s house, starting their homework, saying goodbye, and ending playtime.
Typically, a transition struggle happens when a child has to end a fun activity and move to something else that might not be as enjoyable, or an unknown/new activity. Your child might get frustrated when it is time to transition and they might refuse to stop what they are doing altogether. There is a physical and neurological reason why this happens, and it has to do with our brain states.
We all have **3 brain states*; rational, emotional, and survival. When a child is focused on an activity, they are in their rational state (**color-coded green**). They are learning, absorbing information, having fun, de-stressing, and developing new connections in their brains. The neurons in their brain are focused on the task, and it takes a bit of redirection and time to get their brains to focus on something new. Abrupt changes to this brain state are confusing; their brains cannot switch to something new very quickly. If the transition happens too suddenly or randomly, it could take them into their emotional state (yellow), which could easily escalate into their survival state (red) if pushed. This is what happens when you see a **temper tantrum** or a meltdown during transitions. Their brains are essentially short-circuiting and they can’t process the transition.
Traditional Methods
If we focus on the child’s brain states, instead of their behavior, we can be better equipped to help a child handle transitions with less stress and frustration. Punishing a child who isn’t ready to move to a new activity can cause distrust, anxiety, and fear.
For example, you’ve spent a while at the playground and it is time to go home. How do you typically handle the situation if your child refuses?
Do you threaten to take away privileges?
“Come here now or you’ll lose TV time when we get home”
Plead and bargain?
“Please come, mommy is getting hungry”
Count to 3?
“Alright, that’s one. That’s two. That’s three, now you’re in trouble!”
Get angry and intimidating?
“Come here NOW!”
Give up and give in?
“Ok, you can keep playing”
Or, when all else failed, did you physically remove them from the playground?
If you choose these techniques, what usually happens? Does it work? Does it lead to more crying or power struggles? Are you left feeling frustrated or defeated? Do you look back and regret how you handled the situation?
Instead of doubling down, giving up, or forcing the transition, there is a better way that can help build your relationship with your child and help them learn how to be flexible and more willing to cooperate.
The 4 Steps to Help Ease a Difficult Transition
These ***4 Steps*** will help your child adapt to changes and learn how to be flexible. These Steps are helpful if your child struggles to transition after you have given them a warning and their time is up, or if the transition happens too quickly and they are struggling with the sudden change.
Identify
The first step is to identify the emotion your child is feeling after being told it’s time to leave the playground. Identifying their emotion will help de-escalate the situation. Especially if your child is on the verge of a temper tantrum.
All that is needed in this step is to give a name to the emotion they are feeling. Sad, frustrated, disappointed, angry, upset, or whatever other emotion it looks like they are feeling. Calmly walk over to them, meet them at their eye level, and gently say something like:
“You’re feeling sad and angry that it's time to leave the playground”
Your child will confirm the emotion with a head nod, verbal confirmation, or correct you and let you know what emotion they are really feeling. It might take a few guesses, but you’ll feel a shift once you identify the correct emotion. Their body language will slightly change, they will become more relaxed, have an easier time breathing, and be able to focus a bit more on what you are saying.
Validate
Think about the most challenging transitions you have to deal with, the times when your child struggles the most. Is there something that typically causes difficult transitions? Is your child hungry, overtired, or overstimulated? Is there any specific activity that your child struggles to end? If you can identify what is happening that makes the transition difficult, you can make changes to make those transitions smoother.
After you give your child a name for their emotion, validate the reason they are feeling that way.
“You were having fun and didn’t want to go home yet. You were playing with your new friend and you just started a new game. You weren’t ready and you’re feeling really sad and disappointed that it’s time to leave.”
Validating helps your child realize they aren’t crazy for feeling their emotions, and that it is ok to feel upset about things that are disappointing. Validating their emotions does not mean you are giving in, all it does is let your child know you are on their side and that you are there to help them through their big feelings.
Breathe
The next step is to breathe and re-center. This step helps get oxygen to their brain so they can think and problem solve. You could say something like:
“I can see you’re upset, take a deep breath with me”
Allow them to take a few deep breaths until they feel better. It might take one breath or several. Follow their lead and provide a safe space between the two of you for your child to come back down.
Problem Solve
Once your child is feeling better, make your expectations clear. Leaving the park is not an option, however, all children need a sense of power and control in their lives. This is the time to allow your child to have a choice about something within the transition. Which hand do they want to hold? Do they want to hold the bag or have you carry it? Do they want pretzels or goldfish for the ride home?
You could say something like:
“Your 5-minute warning is over, and now it’s time to leave. We will now walk to the car together. Once we get to the car, I’ll get you a drink of water and a snack for the drive home. Would you like to hold my hand or walk by yourself?”
Tools to Try
Here are a few tools to try, depending on your child’s needs. Some children will show improvement just by giving a solid warning, other children might need several interventions to help. A lot of this is trial and error until you figure out what works best.
Create a Routine
Predictable and consistent schedules benefit all children. If your schedule is chaotic, it can lead to anxiety, regular misbehavior, and emotional outbursts. Creating predictable routines will help ease transitions so your child knows what is going to happen next. **Here are some tips on how to create a bedtime routine that will last from newborn through school-age**
If you don’t like sticking to a schedule or have a hard time with routines, keep in mind that the time you do things throughout the day is not as important as the order. You can use set points throughout the day to anchor your schedule and fill in the gaps with flexible activities. Setpoints include naptime, bedtime, and mealtimes. Flexible activities can include running errands, screen time, playtime, going to the park, and visiting friends or family. If you have a toddler who still naps, you can use this time to do self-care like a shower or cooking. Try to keep your days as similar as possible, so that your child is better equipped to handle it if weird stuff happens.
Give a Warning
Sometimes giving your child a warning is enough for them to get ready to transition. Saying something like “In 1 minute we are going to go home” might be enough to get them ready. Toddlers benefit from 1 or 2-minute warnings (longer than that doesn’t make sense to a toddler), older children might need several warnings at 10, 5, and 1 minute. It depends on your child’s development and emotional level how much of a warning they need. You can always ask them what type of warning would be helpful for them to succeed in transitions.
Be sure to get them to acknowledge the warning by a thumbs up, head nod, verbal ‘ok’, or some other action that means they understand. You might have to walk over to them and touch them as you explain the warning so they know what is coming next. When the time is up, let them know that it is time to transition.
“In 5 minutes we are going to go home”
“The time is up, we’re all done. Now it’s time to go home”
Explain What is Coming
Focus on what is coming next, instead of focusing on the end of the activity. Point out something positive that is coming next, something they can look forward to.
“After you get out of the bath and brush your teeth, we will read the new book we got yesterday, then it will be time to sleep”
Focusing on what is next is not used as bribes or rewards. This information is used as something for your child to grasp onto and to look forward to through the transitional times.
Visual Timers
A really useful tool to help with transitions is a visual timer. This can include the timer app on your phone, a 1-5 minute **sand timer**, or a visual timer you can find on **amazon**. 1-minute sand timers are great for toddlers, 3-minute sand timers are better for older children. If you are using a sand timer, choose one that is less than 5 minutes, as that becomes difficult for a child to focus on. If there is a longer period of time, such as 30 minutes of screen time, visual timers are beneficial so your child can easily look at the timer and see how much time is left.
The first time you use the timer, explain its purpose, and how it works.
“This is a sand timer, it shows you how much time you have left to play. When the sand is all at the bottom, that means playtime is over. I’ll set it right here so you can watch if you would like”
Be clear with what is coming next. Many toddlers like watching the timer, and often they stop the activity they are doing just to watch. The point of a timer for a toddler is to introduce them to the concept of transitions, watching the timer helps them prepare to change activities.
Timers are also useful to help **siblings learn how to share** and take turns.
Visual Schedule
**Visual schedules** are excellent for children who need extra support. Children are visual learners, and if they can see a picture of themselves doing an activity, it puts the image of them succeeding in their minds, and they are more likely to choose to cooperate. Below each picture, write what is happening and the time it happens if that is important.
In order to create your own visual schedule, take a picture of your child doing each activity during the day. Then put the pictures in order on a poster board and hang it up somewhere they can refer to throughout the day. They can see what comes next, if they get lost they can refer to the schedule. This helps with predictability and consistency and makes transitions a lot easier if they know what is next.
Logical Consequences
If your child is still struggling after the warnings and the other tools you’ve tried, remain calm and keep in mind what brain state they are in. Follow the 4-Steps to help them get through their disappointment. Let them know what the consequence will be if they choose to refuse, and pick consequences that make sense. Taking away TV time doesn’t make sense for something that happened on the playground. The consequence could be as simple as being carried instead of choosing to walk.
“I’ve given you several warnings so you can finish playing your friends. The time is over now, and we must go home. Hold my hand and walk with me, I have some water and snacks in the care for you. If you choose to keep playing, I will pick you up and carry you to the car”
Children are developing their boundaries, and picking them up and carrying them around without their consent or without knowledge of what is happening can leave them with anxiety, over-exaggerated, or poor physical boundaries as adults. If you need to pick them up, tell them what you are doing and why, so they understand and will be more willing to cooperate.
“You chose to run away from me after I told you we are going home. I am now choosing to carry you to the car so we can go home together”
Screen Time Transitions
Screen time transitions are the hardest for many children. If your child has a hard time turning off the tablet when screen time is over, think about what is causing them to have a hard time? What about screen time is so enjoyable for them? You could even ask your child that question to better understand where they are coming from.
Especially during the COVID lockdowns, many children resort to extra screen time as a way to feel connected. We are social creatures, and watching shows and playing games on a screen is a way to instantly satisfy that desire for connection. If your child has a favorite show, they likely feel bonded to the characters and feel a social connection through the screen. If there is nothing else to do at home, or they feel isolated because they can’t see their friends, then it is going to be harder for them to want to turn off the screen.
It is a personal decision about how much screen time you should allow your child to have, however sometimes we fixate on the desire to limit the screen time so much that it creates a division between us and our children. Whatever you decide, keep in mind that turning off electronics without warning causes anxiety and distrust, and will make transitions even harder as your child grows. Follow the 4-Steps instead to help make the transition away from screen time easier without resorting to extremes.
Be Predictable and Consistent
Occasionally your routine needs to be altered or changed. There are times when things can’t be predictable, things happen that we don’t have control over. If a child has a meltdown during these times, it can be very difficult to handle. Even with a predictable schedule, sometimes a child will still have a hard time. This can feel very frustrating, especially if you've already established a schedule and they know that certain activities, like bedtime, happen at the same time every night.
Disappointment is something that all people encounter throughout their lives, and it doesn’t do your child any favors to give in or double down each time they are upset. Stick to your word and help them through disappointment, instead of giving in to the tears. If you say there is one more minute, stick to your word and don’t extend the time. If you change your mind after giving a boundary, they are going to expect that your boundaries are fluid and they don’t need to be respected. Instead of giving in, help them get through the feeling of disappointment using the 4-Steps. Don’t ignore, diminish, or punish them for being upset. They might be mad at you initially, but that feeling will go away if you are empathetic and validating.
