What is Healing Through Parenting?

Healing Through Parenting focuses on addressing the underlying emotions that drive behavior in children, as well as identifying if certain behaviors are triggers for the adult based on past trauma.  We all have a choice to heal our trauma, or hide from the pain and pass it along to our children. 

By understanding how our brains work, how triggers send us into survival mode, we can teach children how to behave without the use of punishments or rewards.  Instead of punishing and rewarding behavior, this technique focuses on what happens in the child's brain that drives behavior and uses that information to teach emotional regulation and self control.  Emotions drive behavior, and by teaching children emotional literacy they can understand how to regulate their emotions and in turn develop self control.  Learning emotional regulation in childhood creates a strong foundation that helps all people succeed and thrive throughout their lives.

Communication Through Emotions

Children communicate through their emotions, and Healing Through Parenting is all about teaching you how to decipher the emotional language that drives all human behavior.  If you understand what a child’s emotions are telling you, you will create a safe space between you and your child so you don’t have to keep resorting to old parenting techniques that aim to control and manipulate.  If there is a behavior that your child does that triggers an emotional response, and you find yourself yelling, lashing out, or resorting to punishments to control their behavior, your feelings are a signal that your inner child is begging to be reparented.  You have the chance to heal yourself using this method, and in doing so, create the safe and loving relationship with your child that you may not have gotten in your childhood.

As a parent, your main focus is to keep your child safe and healthy, this means they need to ***cooperate and listen**.  They need to eat their veggies, do their homework, take a bath, put their shoes on, and cooperate with diaper changes.  You might feel frustrated that the tools you have at your disposal aren’t working, and if you are reading this, you are likely looking for a new tool to try.  Instead of chasing, fighting, punishing, or rewarding, you have the option to use the situation to heal your own childhood trauma, instead of passing it along to your children. 

By understanding how our brains work, how triggers send us into survival mode, we can teach children how to behave without the use of punishments or rewards.  Instead of punishing and rewarding behavior, this technique focuses on what happens in the child's brain that drives behavior and uses that information to teach emotional regulation and self control.  Emotions drive behavior, and by teaching children emotional literacy they can understand how to regulate their emotions and in turn develop self control.  Learning emotional regulation in childhood creates a strong foundation that helps all people succeed and thrive throughout their lives.

Overview

There are three major concepts within Healing Through Parenting that all work together.  **The Color Spectrum of Emotions** explains how our brains and emotions dictate and influence our behavior.  **The 4 Steps to Emotional Regulation*** takes that information and puts it into a simple process for how to handle your child’s misbehavior in all situations.  And the ***3Cs***, Connection, Composure, and Consistency, are the glue that holds the whole process together.  In addition, several tools such as Visual Schedules, Visual Timers, Love Links, The Safe Spot, Deep Breathing, and the “You Can Handle It!” Series, work together to create safety and connection within the relationship.  This safety and connection is the foundation that allows this process to work so you can heal your inner child..  

Additionally, Healing Through Parenting helps reduce conflict and tension in your relationship with your children.  There is no need for timeout, sticker charts, taking away privileges, or using bribes to control behavior.  This might seem impossible, however, all it requires is a shift in your mindset and learning a new way to function in your relationship with your children.  This does not work overnight, it takes time and practice to implement lasting changes.  You will notice some differences right away as you and your child learn new ways to communicate and interact with each other.

At times, you might find yourself dealing with unresolved issues from childhood that leave you feeling retraumatized.  Therapy is an empowering tool you can use to get relief from the feelings that keep overwhelming you.  There are many resources for crisis help lines, which are all free and confidential.  Even if it was hard or impossible to get help when you were a child, there is help now, and you have the choice to reach out and ask.  The world wants to see you heal, and there are so many safe people who have your back.  Being a parent is not easy, and if you have to parent yourself at the same time, it’s impossible without a strong support system.

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) 1.800.656.HOPE

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1.800.273.8255

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.7233

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Health Illness) 1.800.950.NAMI

Trans Lifeline  1.877.565.8860

SAMHSA National Helpline (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) 1.800.662.4357

Crisis Text Line -- Text Hello to 741741

The Color Spectrum of Emotions

The core of Healing Through Parenting is the ***Color Spectrum of Emotions**, which explains how our three brain states work in relation to our emotions.  We all have three brain states, Rational, Emotional, and Survival, color-coded Green, Yellow, and Red respectively.

When a child, or adult, is in Green (rational state) they are able to learn, play, think, create, and challenge themselves.  Nothing is bothering them, and they can easily brush off things that are happening externally.  When something happens, and a need goes unmet, such as hunger, thirst, safety, connection, or love, that might send a child into Yellow.  When a child is in Yellow, they might feel emotions such as frustration, disappointment, upset, nervousness, or sadness.  This state of mind is a signal that we need to do something about the situation so that we can feel safe again and come back to Green.  If nothing is done, this could easily escalate a child into Red which causes emotions such as fear, anger, rage, depression, and panic.  These emotions are intense, and difficult to control without help.

Typically when a child is misbehaving or acting out, the misbehavior is coming from their Yellow or Red state.  The underlying cause of any misbehavior is typically due to unidentified and complicated emotions that arise from unmet needs.  For example, if a child is throwing a toy, we can choose to punish them for throwing, or we can choose to help them understand how to handle feelings of frustration so they don’t need to throw something next time they get frustrated.  If we can help them identify where their frustration is coming from, help them figure out how to navigate the situation and problem solve, they will learn how to de-escalate situations instead of lashing out and misbehaving.

Becoming aware of your triggers, or the things that send you into Red, will help enable you to maintain composure so you can be effective in helping your child manage their emotions.  Even if their behavior is triggering you, it is important that you are able to maintain your composure so you can help them learn how to behave appropriately.

**Read more about the Color Spectrum of Emotions**

The 4 Steps to Emotional Regulation

The **4 Steps to Emotional Regulation** is a simple and straightforward process that can be used in any situation to help your child learn how to regulate their emotions and control their behavior.  The process can easily be adapted to any situation, from getting your child to **listen and cooperate**, **stop a temper tantrum** to getting them to **share with their siblings**.  

The 4 Steps are to Identify, Validate, Deep Breathe, Problem Solve.  You can read more in-depth about the 4 Steps **here**

1. Identify 

The first step is to identify the emotion that they are feeling.  Give your child a name for their emotion so they understand what they are feeling.  This will bring a child from Red to Yellow.

2. Validate

After you’ve named their emotion, the second step is to validate the reason why they are feeling that way.  Explain to them what is happening and why so that they can have a better understanding of their world.  This step will bring a child from Yellow to Green, and the next step will secure them in Green so they will be ready to problem-solve.

3. Deep Breathe

Before they can problem-solve, they need to get oxygen to their brain to reset and recenter.  There are many ways you can do deep breathing, from a simple deep breath, to more ***creative ones like The Unicorn**.  This step will ensure your child is in Green and ready to move forward.

4. Problem Solve

Finally, once your child is back in Green, they are ready to problem solve.  Problem-solving can mean many things, depending on the situation.  As you problem solve, consider what you want your child to learn.  What skill are they missing and what can you do to help them succeed?  There are many tools available to help during this process.

***Visual Schedules

***Visual Timers

***Safe Spot

***Routines

***Love Links

The 3 Cs

The concepts that drive Healing Through Parenting are the ***3Cs***, Consistency, Composure, and Connection.  

Consistency means that you remain predictable and steady so your child knows what to expect.  A child who grows up in a household full of chaos and unpredictable moments is likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues as an adult.  

Composure is the ability to stay in Green, or come back to Green quickly, even when you are faced with difficult situations or triggers.  If you are not in Green, you will not be able to effectively help your child get back to Green.  Staying composed is the key to de-escalating situations.  Without composure, your emotions are likely to dictate the way events play out.  

Connection is when you truly connect with your child.  This can be from doing activities together, Love Links, having conversations, or being present with them throughout the day.  Connection gives your child space within the relationship where they can feel safe and unconditionally loved.  Connection allows your child permission to feel their emotions without guilt or fear that they will be punished. 

The 3Cs work together to create safety within the relationship.  If your emotions are random, or unpredictable, your child is going to have a hard time trusting that they can connect with you safely.  Your child might be resistant to connection if you don't maintain composure when you handle conflict and misbehavior.  By being consistent and maintaining composure, you will be able to connect with your child and be a much more effective parent.  Your child will feel safe, loved, and happy knowing that you are stable and safe. 

If you have a hard time with the 3Cs, therapy might be a good tool to help you get relief from whatever is causing you to lose control over your emotions.  If you find that you get into Red easily, or things easily trigger you, it could be a sign of PTSD, depression, or anxiety, or other underlying mental health issues.  Getting relief from these issues will allow you to have more room in your life for an open and fulfilling relationship with your child and other loved ones.  

No Dependence on Rewards or Punishments

Healing Through Parenting differs from many other parenting approaches because there are zero rewards or punishments.  Many maladaptive behaviors that people face as adults come from the way their parents used punishments and rewards to control behavior when they were children.  A lot of the issues adults face, including low self-esteem, anxiety, self-sabotage, and resorting to maladaptive coping mechanisms (alcohol, drugs, overeating, other addictive behaviors) come from the damaging effects of punishments and rewards.  This does not mean there are no consequences to actions, and that there is a free-for-all for children to do whatever they want.  There are always ***Natural Consequences** to behavior, and Healing Through Parenting uses natural consequences as a tool to teach children how to control their behavior.

Punishments, by definition, are actions that cause pain to another person as a penalty for misbehaving.  Common punishments include time out, taking away privileges, ignoring, or isolating.  The rationale behind punishments is that if we can make children feel bad enough, they will be willing to change.  Unfortunately, the lessons children learn from punishments leave lasting effects on a child’s self-worth.  Putting a child in time out teaches them how to feel bad about themselves, taking away toys teaches them distrust, ignoring teaches them that they are small and unimportant.  Once you start using simple punishments, you are likely to start on a path towards the ***Cascade of Punishments***.  Children who grow up in punitive households are more likely to get in trouble at school, work, and even run into issues with law enforcement later in life.

Furthermore, rewards, like sticker charts, bribes, and financial incentives teach children to behave according to what they can get out of the situation.  Giving a child a sticker for cleaning up their toys teaches them that the purpose of cleaning is to get rewarded, instead of the joy that comes from living in a clean home.  Over time, this might lead to ***Reward Dependency*** where intrinsic motivation is replaced by external motivation, this is where the term “Special Snowflake” comes from.  Children who grow up with rewards have a hard time doing helpful things because it feels good, and are likely to be more selfish and get upset if their success is not recognized.

Instead of punishments and rewards, Healing Through Parenting relies on ****Natural Consequences*** as an effectve tool in teaching children how to behave.  Consequences can be favorable or unfavorable.  ***Favorable consequences*** happen when children follow directions, take initiative, show kindness, or cooperate.  The result of these actions can include feeling joy, connecting with a loved one, feeling pride, or accomplishing something.  On the other hand, if a child chooses to misbehave, they will be faced with ***unfavorable consequences*** such as missing events, losing items, feeling disappointment, or getting injured.  Helping a child through the feelings associated with favorable and unfavorable consequences help them learn cause and effect, and will teach them intrinsic motivation to choose prosocial behaviors.

Shift Your Mindset

When you choose to implement Healing Through Parenting it requires you to look at yourself and to look at how your childhood has impacted you.  How did the strategies your parents implemented on you affect your self-esteem, confidence, intrinsic motivation, guilt, and self-worth?  There might be some pain from your childhood you need to work through, and therapy can be really helpful in navigating the past so you can come to peace with what has happened to you.  It is healthy to embrace those uncomfortable feelings and learn from what your parents did that may have negatively affected you so that you don't pass on those negative and maladaptive behaviors onto your children.

It takes a shift in mindset, from controlling your child and keeping them in line, to having trust that they want to learn how to be safe.  It takes time and patience to teach them what to do during difficult situations, how to manage their feelings, and the impact their behaviors have on themselves and others.  In order to teach these things to your child, you must learn these things for yourself so you can pass on that knowledge.  You wouldn’t be able to teach someone how to build a table if you don’t know how to do it first.  Your child looks up to you as a role model, an anchor, and as a window to the world.  It is your choice how to handle that huge responsibility.

Once you start shifting your mindset, there may be times where you feel bad or upset about the way you have handled situations.  You were taught how to manage your children based on the way your parents handled you as a child.  You likely chose discipline methods that made sense to you and that you are familiar with.  During stressful situations, especially situations that could be dangerous or unsafe for your child, you did what you needed with the tools that were available.  You have done your best at keeping your child safe, and now that you know there is another way, you can make different choices.  There is strength in acknowledging that old methods of parenting are ineffective and damaging, and we can all do better if we know better.