How To Get Your Child to Stay In Bed
Getting your child to stay in bed can be challenging, but it is possible to keep them in bed without the nightly struggle. If you’ve already done research about how to get your child to stay in bed and you’re still running into issues, there is a reason. Most of the tips you find online focus on controlling your child’s behavior, instead of helping them learn how to control their own behavior. Punishments, rewards, and bribes might work in the moment, but over time you might find yourself stuck in a cycle and your child is still having a hard time ***listening and cooperating***.
Staying in bed is an important aspect of **sleep training**, but is probably the most frustrating part. By understanding the reason why your child is struggling and helping them learn how to self regulate, you will find your evenings belong to you again, and you can finally have some freedom after a long day of being a parent.
Rewards and Punishments Don’t Work
When your child is messing around after you’ve already done your **bedtime routine** it can be very frustrating and leave you feeling defeated and even angry. It’s important for your toddler to stay in bed not only for them to get their much-needed sleep, but so you can have your own time to relax and unwind. Plus, it’s not safe for them to wander around unsupervised if you are sleeping.
The most common techniques most parents use to keep their children in bed are punishments and rewards. Punishments include closing the door, taking away plushies or blankets, the silent treatment, or letting them cry it out. Rewards include sticker charts, money or token bribes, extra treats, or other incentives. If you have already implemented these techniques, you might be finding that you have to constantly come up with creative ways to bribe your child, or you might be feeling like punishments are becoming a way of life.
**Rewarding** a child with extra treats for sleeping through the night doesn’t help them learn how to stay in bed on their own. You might end up getting stuck in a trap where your child expects to be rewarded for doing things you want them to do, and it will be difficult in the long run for them to do things intrinsically, without the desire for external motivation. This can lead to long term issues with them expecting rewards for behaving, and they might start refusing if there isn’t something in it for them.
On the other hand,**punishing** a child for getting out of bed teaches them to manage their behavior because of external threats. If you choose to use punishments, you might find that they are not effective after a while, and when the threat of punishment is removed, your child has no intrinsic motivation to do something on their own. They might start being extra clingy, or begin to shut down and become distant. Overtime, punishments can lead to low self esteem, anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.
So if rewards and punishments don’t actually work, what are you left with?
Emotions Drive Behavior
Our emotions drive our behavior, and help guide us through every situation. If you approach the situation by trying to understand what is going on in their brain, instead of trying to control their behavior, you will have more long term success. You will be able to truly teach your child to stay in bed, without feeling like you are always ‘on call’.
Lonely feelings tell us that we need to connect with loved ones, fear tells us that danger is near. Children live their lives based on the emotions they feel. They are reactive to their emotions, and are still learning how to self-regulate and figure out how to navigate the world. If you can figure out what emotion they are feeling that is driving their behavior, you can help them understand their emotion, so they can learn how to navigate the situation. Once they understand what they are feeling and why, they will be able to stay in bed successfully without the need for you to escalate the situation into rewards or punishments.
Each family has their own expectations for their children. Some parents allow their children to sleep in their bed anytime, some parents have a firm boundary on keeping a child in their own bed. No matter what your expectations are, and no matter what your rules are about sleep and staying in bed, we all have one thing in common, and that is how our brains function.
We all have 3 **brain states**, rational, emotional, and survival. If something happens, like a scary noise, or feeling lonely, this will send your child into their emotional or survival state. When they are in these more primitive brain states, they will have a harder time staying in bed because they need you to help them feel safe. Getting out of bed is their way of saying
“I’m having big feelings that I don’t know how to process, and I need your help”
By understanding the **Color Spectrum of Emotions** you will be able to identify what emotion and brain state your child is experiencing based on their behaviors. Focusing on what is happening in their brain instead of the external behavior will help you de-escalate situations and teach your child missing skills.
Real Reasons They Get Out of Bed
Your child wouldn’t be getting out of bed unless they have a reason. Even if the reason might not make sense to you, it makes sense in their world. Despite their reasoning, however, it is still important that they stay in bed. Your first thought might be to control their behavior and get them to get back in bed using rewards or punishments. However that might not help them know what to do next time they get the urge to get up.
In order to do this take a few moments to reflect on the last time your child got out of bed. What happened? What do you think their emotion was when they got out of bed? Where was that emotion coming from? How was their emotion influencing their behavior?
There are other behaviors your child might do to convey their emotions, and other emotions your child might be feeling at night that make them want to get out of bed. Approach the situation with curiosity and ask your child questions about what they are feeling. They will be able to let you know what they need to succeed.
The 4 Steps to Emotional Regulation
If your child gets out of bed at night, you can teach them how to stay in bed by using these **4 Steps** that will teach them emotional regulation and problem solving. You can adapt these steps to any situation, and you will notice a shift in the way your family dynamic functions.
Identify
The first step is to identify the emotion your child is feeling. Give them a name for their emotion so they can understand what is happening. This will help bring your child from their survival state (red) to their emotional state (yellow).
“You got out of your bed, opened your door, and came to find me. Were you feeling scared?”
Validate
Once you’ve given a name for their emotion, validate why they are feeling that way. Validating and explaining what is happening helps your child understand so they can navigate the situation. This will bring them from their emotional state (yellow) to their rational state (green).
“It’s dark in your room and you heard a noise that made you feel scared. Sometimes we get scared in the dark because we can’t see. You let me know you were feeling scared by coming to find me, you knew I would be able to help”
Breathe
Before you can problem solve and teach your child how to stay in bed, they need to get oxygen to their brain and reset themselves. Take a few deep breaths with them, hold them close if they want to be held.
“I’ll hold you and we can take some deep breaths together. You are safe with me, I love you”
Problem Solve
Now that your child is in their rational state, they will be able to learn and problem solve so they know what to do next time they get big feelings. The way you handle the situation will vary depending on the emotion your child was feeling. If your child is scared, you would handle that much differently than if your child is overtired.
“Next time you feel scared, call my name and I will come to your room to help you feel safe again. What would help you feel brave? A nightlight? An extra blanket? A picture of me that you can look at when you feel afraid? What would be helpful?”
If your child is old enough to talk, be sure to ask them what they need to succeed. Your child knows themselves better than anyone, and they know what they need.
Some Things You Can Try
The way you choose to handle the situation after you have helped your child come back to their rational state will vary depending on your child and your family’s needs. There are endless possibilities. The way you solve the problem will depend on what emotion your child is feeling and what skill they are missing.
Here are a few ideas to get you started, depending on the emotion they felt and what drove them to get out of bed:
Hyper/Excited
Start bedtime earlier if the **hyper feelings** are coming from being overtired
Start bedtime later if they just went through a growth spurt and aren’t tired yet.
Children’s sleep patterns change as they grow and their bedtime will naturally shift depending on their stage of development
Give them the chance to read another book or play with a toy quietly in bed
No screens after dinner, as that will keep them awake and make it hard for their natural sleep cycle (circadian rhythm) to do its job
Lonely/Scared
Print out some pictures of family members to put on their wall they can look at when they feel lonely
Spend a bit more time giving cuddles and reading stories before you leave the room
Let them know that you love them and you will miss them. If they need you they can always call out for you and you will come
Let them know they are brave, and strong, and they can handle it
Use a special blanket or stuffed animal that they can snuggle during extra lonely nights
Use a nightlight, or give them a flashlight they can access while in bed for ‘emergencies’
I’m thirsty, I need to go potty, I’m hungry
Let them go potty before bed
Give them a sippy cup of water near their bed
Sometimes needing to use the potty, or getting a drink of water is an excuse for wanting to get out of bed, try to identify the emotion underneath their request
“Are you asking to use the potty because you need to pee or do you feel like you want to play?”
Children are honest with their answers, and if they want to play, offer them a quiet toy they can play with in bed instead of allowing them to get out of bed. Getting out of bed will wake them up and they will have a harder time falling back to sleep.
Bedtime Means Bedtime
Part of **sleep training** includes the process for what your child should do if they need you. If you don’t give your toddler a way to let you know that they need something, they are likely to take things into their own hands, climb out of bed, and wander around the house trying to find you, but they might get distracted along the way.
Let your child know what the expectations are as you are sleep training. What should they do if they need you? How should they let you know if they get scared? If you want them to stay in bed, then you must be willing to go to them if they need help. If you prove to them that you will always be there for them when they need your help, over time they will ask for your help less often. Building unconditional trust is vital to a healthy relationship and you will notice that your child will only ask for your help when there is a real problem, instead of crying for every little problem, or on the other extreme, shutting down and never asking for help.
Once your child gets in bed for the night, the goal is to help them stay in bed so they can sleep. Support them in reaching their goal, give them tools to handle the range of emotions they might feel while trying to fall asleep. Overtime, they will learn how to self-regulate and you will have more space to enjoy your child, without the need to control their behavior.
