How to Handle A Temper Tantrum WITHOUT Time Out
If you’ve ever been around a toddler you will have probably experienced the dreaded temper tantrum. This happens when a child gets totally overloaded with emotion and has lost all ability to self regulate. You will notice crying, flailing, screaming, kicking, smashing, and lots and lots of tears.
Temper tantrums are a normal part of development, and there are many traditional ways you can choose to handle them, including ignoring, time out, bribes, giving in, and removing privileges. Unfortunately, those outdated techniques can cause unintentional mental health issues, including low self esteem, anxiety, depression, self doubt, and resorting to maladaptive coping mechanisms later in life.
Fortunately, there is a better way to handle temper tantrums that can help your child learn how to self regulate, and in turn reduce the frequency of tantrums. All without the need to resort to any of the traditional punishments or rewards.
The Dreaded Terrible Twos
The terrible 2s are really hard to handle! It is hard to stay patient sometimes, especially because their tantrums often seem ridiculous and dramatic. This age is challenging. It’s really difficult to deal with constant meltdowns, fussing, whining, freaking out, and saying “no” to everything, all for what seems like no reason. All you did was give them the blue crayon and now they are collapsed on the floor, having a complete meltdown.
Toddlers are seeking independence, they are not babies anymore. They are starting to understand that they are an individual person, with their own wants and needs. Emotions are intense at this age, they don’t have the language to express themselves fully, or the resources to handle all those emotions. Sometimes you can use every tool at your disposal, and nothing works; they just keep crying. This usually happens if they are over-tired, or really hungry. At times like that, all you can do is get them food or get them to bed as soon as possible, because the tantrum isn’t going to stop, or if it does, it is only temporary. Those times are the hardest to handle, especially if you are in a store or running errands.
Honestly, the hardest part about helping a toddler through a temper tantrum is keeping your own composure. It can be painful to listen to them crying, to watch your child upset over something that you think might be silly, or see them sad about something you can’t change for them. Finding the line between setting boundaries and comforting them when they are upset can be really hard. You don’t want to be too strict, while at the same you don’t want to be a pushover.
What is a Temper Tantrum?
Children’s brains are developing rapidly, and their hormones go crazy sometimes. A temper tantrum happens when their brains and bodies get flooded with emotion and hormones. They can’t process everything that is happening and they break down. Their brains literally cannot process the situation. They don’t yet have the words to express themselves, so they communicate their needs in very dramatic ways because they are trying to figure out the best way to get those needs met.
Toddlers are more likely to experience a temper tantrum if they are hungry, tired, or have had a high amount of stress. When things are uncertain for a toddler, their ability to handle stress decreases, and it is easier for them to lose control. Schedule changes, growth spurts, teething, or rough nights can all increase the likelihood that a temper tantrum might happen.
Some common responses for dealing with temper tantrums include ignoring the tantrum, telling them to be quiet, giving in, leaving the store, or trying to reason with them. All of these responses are missing one important factor, and that is understanding what **brain state** your toddler is in while they are having a meltdown.
When a toddler is having a temper tantrum, they can’t rationalize, problem-solve or even think clearly because their brains have shifted into survival mode (red). The only way out of this mode is to get them feeling safe, loved, and understood. They need oxygen to their brains as well, which can be hard if they can’t stop crying long enough to take a breath. The 4 Steps will help you navigate the tantrum so your toddler can start learning how to self regulate, instead of resorting to traditional techniques.
The 4 Steps
A very common situation where you might have to deal with a temper tantrum is in a grocery store. You have been shopping for a little while, they might be getting tired or hungry. You’re on edge because you just want to get home, and now your toddler is screaming and flailing their legs because you didn’t let them hold the lemon.
Here are **4 Steps** you can use to help navigate a temper tantrum.
Identify
Step 1 is to let them know what happened that they got so upset about, even if it seems silly. Stop the cart, pull to the side, hold their hands, let them know they are safe. Name their feeling so they understand what is happening.
“You’re crying and kicking. You seem like you’re feeling angry and frustrated”
Identifying that they are feeling sad helps bring their brain from survival state to an emotional state. It gives a word to what they are feeling, and helps them understand what is happening. It might take a few guesses to name the correct emotion. If you got it right, they will say yes. If you got it wrong they will either say no or not respond. Keep naming emotions until they confirm the one they are feeling.
Validate
Step 2 is to validate their feelings. Validating their feelings helps them feel like they are being heard and understood. You don’t have to give in and hand them the lemon. Just let them know you are on their side and you understand their frustration.
“You really really wanted to hold that lemon. It is yellow, and it looks interesting. You wanted to know what it felt like, and you really wanted to hold it in your hands and give it a big hug. You wish you could carry it around the store. I said no, and now you’re feeling frustrated and angry”
Holding a lemon seems like a silly reason to get upset, however, in a toddler’s mind, they are justified to be upset. They are curious and want to understand how the world works. They are developing their independence, and wanting to try new things. This is not to say that you should give in each time your toddler cries, but it is helpful to understand that when curiosity gets stifled it causes frustration, no matter what age you are.
Breathe
A child who is in a temper tantrum might be able to calm down after the first 2 steps. In that case, once their tears have subsided a little bit, help them take some **deep breaths**, give them a hug if they allow you, and do whatever **Love Links** that helps them feel safe. Hard days need more Love Links, not more punishments.
“You are really upset, take a deep breath with me”
In some cases, your child might be way too hungry or tired. You might be able to get them back to green, but then you touch their foot the wrong way and now they are melting down again. In that case, the best option is to get them into a space where they feel safe.
Just do your best to stay calm, without ignoring your child. Let them cry and express themselves, talk to them while they are crying, reassure them that their big feelings will pass soon, and that you are there for them. They will be okay once they get their needs met.
Usually exhaustion or hunger are the underlying reasons why a toddler has a tantrum. When they are really hungry, they literally don’t have enough energy in their brains to control themselves. Nothing you do, other than get them food will change that dynamic. Try to get them a snack, they need energy in their brains to be able to handle what’s happening.
If you are doing extended breastfeeding, try to nurse them. Nursing is the most comforting and safe environment for a toddler, and they will instantly calm down. Letting them nurse is NOT going to baby them, or reward them for their tantrum. Nursing them helps them feel safe, calm, gives them calories, and comforts them during a time where they have little control over themselves. Remember, tantrums aren’t about the behavior, they are about the brain state. Nursing on demand through the toddler years helps them feel safe and emotionally secure, and that helps set the foundation for emotional maturity and self regulation throughout their lives. However, nursing is not always an option.
If you aren’t nursing or can’t nurse at the moment, try to give them an item they are attached to, a pacifier, a lovie, their favorite blanket. Offer to hold them, or sing a song. They might reject the item, and that is ok, let them have the freedom to say “no”.
If you don’t have anything in the moment that helps comfort them and they are rejecting your hugs, just keep breathing and let their hormones run their course. Sometimes, all you can do is breathe so that you can remain calm and composed. They will feel your safe presence, and once their hormones dissipate, they will be able to get back to green quicker knowing that you are there for them.
If you are home, but it isn’t nap or bedtime yet and you don’t want them to sleep, you can put them in their **Safe Spot** so they can get back to green on their own terms. A Safe Spot is a place in your house that is used to help a child relax, de-stress, and self-regulate.
Problem Solve
The final step is to problem solve. Any situation where your child is misbehaving gives you a chance to teach them a missing skill. The way you handle problem solving is going to depend based on your intention and what you want to teach them once the tantrum is over.
There are many reasons for a temper tantrum, and there are many lessons a child can learn. Ask yourself “what does my child need to learn at this moment” and you will be able to figure out your intention.
Is your intention to help them become more self aware?
To teach them how to communicate?
To teach them patience?
To teach them that ‘no’ means ‘no’?
For example, if your intention was to teach them that ‘no’ means ‘no’, explain why you said no. There is always a reason you say ‘no’, and it helps them be more patient and understanding if you explain the situation, rather than saying “because I said so”. You could say something like this:
“You were feeling really disappointed that you couldn’t hold the lemon. You started crying and hitting me because you were so frustrated. It’s really hard when you want something that you can’t have, I understand how hard that is. I said no because we only have 1 lemon and we are in a rush to get home. We are making something yummy for dinner, and I wanted to keep the lemon safe, so I put it in the cart so it wouldn’t drop on the floor. I’m here for you, I love you, and I’ll help you get through that disappointment. You’re tough and you can handle it. When we get home, you can help me put the lemon on the counter, would that work for you?”
The words you say don’t matter, it is your intention. If your intention is to punish, then your behavior will be punishing. If your intention is to teach, then your behavior will help them learn.
Were There Warning Signs?
During moments of calm, reflect on the last time your toddler had a tantrum. What led up to that moment? Were there signals that your toddler gave you that were an indication they were in yellow? Did you miss something, and it sent them into red? There are often warning signs, like eye rubbing, asking to nurse, getting frustrated or whiny, or other little signals that your toddler is slowly getting into yellow. **Make your color chart** so you can understand what some of their warning signs are, and you can be better prepared tomorrow.
Sometimes, there are things out of your control, and you just have to do your best to help them come back to green in the moment. Your resources might be limited, and your own stress might be too much to handle, now you’re dealing with a tantrum on top of that. This might be especially difficult for single parents, parents with depression or other mental health issues, and for working families who might not have a lot of control over their schedules.
When a child’s routine is changed, it often causes confusion as they might not know what to expect. If things get changed around, try your best to explain the changes and keep reminding them that they are safe and loved. Keep your routine as stable and predictable as possible. Here is how to create a ***bedtime routine*** for all ages.
In many cases, especially with younger toddlers, it is more of a learning experience for you so you can figure out how to handle this new and challenging stage of development. What happened to lead up to the tantrum? Were you well prepared with snacks or water when you went out? Were you too late for their nap? Was the day stressful for them? Are they starting to get sick or recovering from an illness? Is there anything you can do to help keep things more predictable and stable so your child can feel more stable?
Be Their Anchor
All behavior is an indication of **brain state**, and toddlers don’t yet have the tools to de-escalate themselves. So, instead of trying to make your toddler stop crying or freaking out, shift your intention to helping them learn a new skill. All you can do during a tantrum is help them get through the burst of emotions that they have no control over. Be an anchor point that they can grasp onto, so they know they are safe.
If you’ve ever had a panic attack, that is the feeling a toddler has when they have a temper tantrum. They are totally flooded, and it is not just about stopping their behavior. It is all about getting them out of their survival (red) and back into their rational state (green).
If you were having a panic attack, would it be helpful if your partner put you in isolation, ignored you, took away your things, or punished you? Those responses would put a division between you and your partner, and you would eventually learn that they can’t help you when you most need it. Children are the same way, and over time they will learn if they can trust you to help them, or not. It all depends on your intention and your ability to keep your composure so they can feel safe.
Keep yourself in green, do a little bit of self care every day. Take your shower, have some tea, watch a show. Whatever you need to do in order to keep yourself in a healthy state of emotion will help keep you stable for your child when they have a melt down. You can’t help someone else calm down if you aren’t calm.
Expand to Adulthood
If you allow your toddler the space to feel their big emotions in your presence, they will have an easier time connecting with you when they have real issues as teenagers or adults. If they feel safe to be themselves, even through intense bursts of emotions, they will know you will always be there for them, without judgment.
