How to Give Your Toddler Meaningful Jobs Around the House
All humans want to feel connected and important, and have a sense of their role in the world, toddlers are no exception. If your toddler is running around and can’t seem to stop messing with everything, directing that energy into a productive task will diffuse the situation, rather than escalating all that energy into a punishment. The more you notice how they are being helpful, the more they will be willing to help.
Toddlers are capable of learning how to be responsible in healthy and empowering ways. This helps set a foundation that will be useful as they get older and their desire to be helpful starts to decrease. Giving your toddler meaningful jobs at home will benefit their mental health, emotional development, impulse control, and instill a deep rooted intrinsic motivation that will help them succeed throughout their lives.
Toddlers Want to Be Helpful
Toddlers love being helpful! They want to learn how things work, experiment, discover, and take part in EVERYTHING. They want to absorb as much as possible, to learn and experiment so they can understand how the world works. If they are given a direction on what they can do to safely help around the house, it will satisfy their need to learn how things function, and they will be less likely to get hurt or break something accidentally. They will develop confidence and feel empowered by completing small tasks, especially if their hard work is recognized.
Here are a few things to keep in mind when choosing what task to give your toddler so they want to help.
Let them have a say in the job they choose. If they are interested in the task, they are more likely to do it.
Give them the freedom to say no occasionally, without repercussions. If they say no, offer to help them. Toddlers get easily overwhelmed and need to know that there will always be someone to help if they get stuck.
Involve them with your tasks around the house to introduce them to a variety of different tasks, and to gauge their interest in different things.
If there is a part of a task that is not safe, explain to them why it isn’t safe. Let them watch while you do it and explain what you are doing instead of blocking things off completely.
Follow their Lead
The goal of this whole process is not to make your toddler do chores around the house, but to teach them how to take care of their space and respect their home. Remember that they are still really young, and there are going to be days where they don’t want to help and they need to understand that nothing is required of them unless they want to help. That is ok, it’s important to give them a space to say no.
If a toddler’s “no” is respected, they will be more willing to say yes.
Children need explicit instruction sometimes, but it is important to balance that instruction with the freedom for experimentation and innovation. Children learn by playing. If your toddler wants to water the plants, offer them a bucket of water and a few different size cups or tools that can carry water. They will learn how to effectively carry water from one area to another if they have the freedom to spill it all over the place, and to experiment with different tools. They can’t figure out how something works unless they know what doesn’t work. If you have delicate plants you don’t want messed with, you could have them water a tree or a bush instead.
If your toddler watches you sweep the kitchen, chances are they are going to try to grab the broom from your hands and try to sweep too. This is their way of saying “I want to help you!”. Let them have the broom, or get them their own dust pan that they can use whenever they want. Even though they aren’t actually ‘helping’, they are showing you what they are capable of and how much they desire to learn new things. Notice those moments and acknowledge them for their desire to be helpful and involved.
They might mess up the first couple times they try something new. Give them the chance to figure out how to make it work, and teach them how to clean up if they make a mess. After a few days of what might seem like a mix of chaos and micro-managing, they will figure it out and you will successfully have taught them how to do a task, and they won’t need much direct guidance anymore.
No Rewards Needed
Imagine you stayed a little late at your job to help a co-worker complete a task. How would you prefer to be acknowledged by your boss?
“Good job, I think there’s some cookies in the break room”
Or
“I noticed that you stayed late to help out last night. That was really thoughtful and now we are back on schedule! Thank you!”
You can feel the difference. One feels patronizing, the other feels like someone really appreciates you and noticed that you went above and beyond. Getting acknowledged and noticed makes you feel like you want to help out again. Being patronized and rewarded with cookies makes you feel like you’re only in it for the cookie.
Toddlers and kids are the exact same way. Rewards and bribes provide external motivation for them to be helpful. They will learn that once there is no reward or no punishment, there’s no reason to be helpful. However, if you start by giving them a purpose, and a sense that their efforts are truly appreciated, they will develop intrinsic motivation and you will spend less time arguing about getting them to pick up their toys, and more time enjoying each other’s company.
Instead of saying “Good Job” when they complete a task, say “You did it! You put all your toys away in the basket! That was really helpful!”
Congratulate their accomplishment, state very clearly what they did, and let them know how it affected the world positively. They will feel the difference and be more willing to help. They will even start asking to help out more.
Saying “Good job” implies that if they don’t do it, they are not good. That good vs bad judgement sticks with them, even though it is subtle. “Good job” strengthens the impact of external motivation, “You did it” reinforces intrinsic motivation. By making this little shift, you are celebrating them for working hard, instead of judging them for being good or bad. This shift makes a huge difference as children develop and start to explore their independence and autonomy. You’ll notice less stubborn behavior, and more willingness to be helpful.
Teach them How to be Safe
Sometimes, it’s a bit much because there are things around the house that aren’t safe to help with, so setting boundaries without killing their desire to help can be tricky. The hardest part about this is that you have to maintain composure. If you get elevated because you are afraid that they might get hurt, it will be hard for you to teach them how to be safe. Instead, you might be likely to remove them from the area, yell at them, or punish them for exploring something dangerous. These are all tactics that will help keep your child safe, however, your toddler won’t learn how to keep themselves safe when you aren’t around.
If they want to help out in the kitchen, but there are knives on the counter, your first thought might be to block off the kitchen so they can’t access the knives. This will keep them safe and you can continue cooking. However, what would happen if they grabbed a knife off the counter while you weren’t looking? Would they know what to do?
Instead of blocking off the kitchen, explain to them what a knife is, what it is used for, and that they may not touch it because it could cut them.
“This is called a knife, we use it to cut up veggies and fruit. It has a sharp blade, and it cuts through food. Watch how it cuts through the carrot. I want to keep you safe, so you may not touch a knife because it could cut your finger, and that would hurt.”
Keep reminding them every time you get out the knife. They will learn what a knife is, how it works, and that it is not safe to touch. When they are older, you can teach them how to use a knife, by starting with plastic practice knives.
As your toddler is exploring and playing around the house, you can do this with anything that could be dangerous. Explain what the stove is, how it works, that the burners are hot and could burn them if they touch. Explain that the trash can is used for holding dirty trash, it isn’t safe to touch because there could be sharp things, or dirty things that could make them sick if they put it in their mouth. You want to keep them safe, and they can learn what to do to help keep themselves safe.
Obviously keep all dangerous items out of toddlers reach, including knives, medication, choking hazards, and chemicals. This method is not a replacement for safe practices, it is a way to help keep your toddler safe if you accidentally make a mistake.
This way, you set very clear boundaries about what is safe and what is not, while also allowing them to continue exploring and playing. It might take repetition, but over time they learn how to keep themselves safe if they get accidentally caught up in a dangerous situation.
20 Ideas for Meaningful Jobs
Even though it might seem like they are just little balls of destructive energy, toddlers can do a lot at this age. They might not be able to do all the aspects of a chore, but they are likely able to do bits and pieces, which sets the foundation for learning how to complete tasks.
Here are 20 ideas for how your toddler can help around the house:
Put their dirty laundry in their basket
Feed the cat or dog
Put dishes in the sink
Wipe up spills
Put away their toys
Throw away trash
Help pour, measure, mix, and stir when you’re cooking or baking
Scoop your sugar into your coffee cup in the morning
Close or open doors or cupboards
Turn on and off the lights
Press “Start” on the microwave
Open the garage
Water the plants
Pull weeds
Flush the toilet
Help set the table
Hand you items that you ask for
Carry the mail into the house
Lock/unlock the car with the key fob
Help fold laundry
Teach Them What to do if They Mess Up
The most important part in this whole process is staying calm and composed if they mess up. With some basic knowledge about how our ****brain states work*** you will be able to maintain composure and help them learn new skills without the need to resort to punishments or rewards. Toddlers are little sponges, and the words you say to them and the way you say it sticks. If you can consistently model how to handle stressful situations appropriately, your child will learn how to handle the stressful moments.
It’s really easy to get upset when you have to clean up broken glass or wipe up a spill for the 4th time that day. If you’re in yellow (see the Color Spectrum of Emotions), things are likely to send you into red and you could easily lash out and do hurtful things to your child. Even saying little things like “Ugghh, really??!” or “Come on!! We do this every day, you should know better!” can be hurtful to a toddler. In moments like that, your frustration is valid, and it is understandable to get upset. Unfortunately (and fortunately!) your ***emotional state*** has a huge impact on your child’s emotional and mental health.
If you yell at them if they spill water, they will learn to be afraid of spilling and will get upset if they accidentally spill. As a teenager or adult, this type of fear leads to lying, hiding, and doing whatever they can to protect themselves from the anger that resulted from a mistake. Losing your composure a few times isn’t going to damage your child, however, the damage comes when the child experiences consistent and ongoing punishments and scary moments.
Self-care is really important to keep you in green, so you are less likely to get into red and lose control. If you do lose your composure, we all have bad days, your toddler will understand an apology.
“I didn’t mean to yell at you when you spilled your cup, I lost control and I’m very sorry if I scared you. I shouldn’t have yelled at you, next time I’ll take a deep breath and help you clean up the spill.”
Stick to your word and prove to them that you are safe, even if you make mistakes sometimes. If you allow the safety and freedom for your toddler to make mistakes, then when they are adults they will know how to navigate the world safely and fix their mistakes without major consequences.
