What are “Love Links”?

All children benefit from playing with their parents and making loving connections.  Love Links are playful interactions you have with your child throughout the day to provide instant connection, safety, and love.  Love Links can de-escalate any situation to create a more peaceful and loving relationship with your child.  These can be nursery rhymes, special handshakes, silly faces, dance parties, or any other playful and repeatable activities you can share with your child.  Regardless of the behavior your child is doing, you have the option to connect with them and create safety, so they will be willing to learn new skills instead of repeating misbehavior.

When you start to feel frustrated with your child because they aren’t listening, or their behavior is unacceptable, doing a Love Link during these moments will help shift the focus from feeling punishing and tense, to feeling connected and safe.  It will help both you and your child get back into your rational state so you can teach your child how to behave safely and appropriately without the need to escalate the situation into a **punishment***.

If you choose to focus on what is happening in the brain, instead of on the behavior, you can shift the dynamic and be better equipped to handle difficult moments.  Your child will be more willing to cooperate if they feel loved and connected.  Love Links provide a quick burst of feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine that help reset your child’s brain back into **Green**, or their rational state.  Once they are in Green, they will be willing and able to learn and cooperate.

Creating Love Links

We all naturally create Love Links with the people we love in our lives.  We might have a special ritual or secret language we have with our partners or spouses.  We might sing different songs to each of our children, or sing playful nursery rhymes like “Itsy Bitsy Spider” or “Peek-a-boo”.  If you have several children, you can create individual Love Links with each child that are special for each child.  These are just a few examples of Love Links, and you can make up your own, depending on the person you are connecting with, and what you are comfortable doing.

Love Links can have a verbal, physical, and emotional component.  The intention of a Love Link is to be playful, safe, and connecting.  Some people like physical touch, others prefer to only have eye contact, and others aren’t comfortable with eye contact and just prefer verbal Love Links.  Music is a great way to express emotion between yourself and your child, and singing songs is a great way to express loving and safe emotions.

When creating your Love Links, be sure that you follow your child’s needs.  If they like being touched, include a physical aspect.  If they don’t want to be held, or they don’t want their tummy touched, then adjust the Love Link so the child feels safe and connected.  The actual motions you do don’t matter, it’s all about creating safety and following their lead.

Change Stress into Connection

Children, and adults, benefit from doing Love Links regularly throughout the day.  If you are having a stressful day, consider doing a Love Link with your child, even if you don’t feel like doing it.  It could shift your stress and make you feel better, because you have created safety within the relationship with your child.  That safety not only helps them get through tough moments, but helps you as well.  Especially if you come from an abusive childhood where safety was unpredictable or inconsistent.

If there are certain activities you do with your child that are triggering for you, such as getting their diaper changed, brushing teeth, giving them a bath, helping them put their shoes on, you can do Love Links during these stressful times.  Doing a Love Link, like singing “Humpty Dumpty” or “Round and Round the Garden” during a diaper change, turns that stressful situation into a moment of love and connection.  This helps your child feel more willing to cooperate so diaper changes stop being so stressful.  Over time, the safety you create during the Love Links can help heal the part of you that was traumatized or hurt when you were a child.  

Sometimes the 4 Steps to Emotional Regulation might not be working for you, especially if you are too triggered to remember that they are an option.  Instead, if you hang up a Love Links poster **Free download here*** near the areas of your house that are stressful for you, you can remember that Love Links are an option, and you can ask your child which one they want to do.  Give them the choice of which Love Link they want to do, and never force a Love Link.  If they aren’t interested, don’t force it.  Remember, it’s all about safety, consent, and connection.

For example, if your child is refusing to put on their shoes and socks and you’ve tried all the tools at your disposal you might be feeling frustrated, angry, defeated, or even resentful, especially if this issue has been happening for a long time.

The way you could approach this could go something like this:

Approach your child calmly and bend down to their level.  Take their hands and gently say

“It is time to put your shoes on.  I noticed you are running around and it looks like you don’t want your shoes on.  Come with me and we can do some songs together so your feet can feel safe”

Sit down together, and ask them if they want to do “Little Piggies” or “10 Little Toes”.  If you are trying to get them to put gloves on, consider doing “Where is Thumbkin” on each of their fingers.  If you have other Love Links you’ve developed that have a playful connection with their feet or toes, you can incorporate these here.  Do the Love Link with them, they can do it to you, or even to a baby doll.  This helps create safety around putting shoes on, and over time, you will shift the dynamic from stress, to connection and safety.

Once you are done with the Love Links, let them know that it is time to put their shoes on.  You can read more about how to help your child **Cooperate and Listen** to see how the 4 Steps to Emotional Regulation work with this example.

Some Examples

You can make a Love Link from any traditional nursery rhyme, as long as you change the words to some of the darker or messed up ones.

Here are a few examples of Love Links you can try, with the words changed to create love, connection, and safety.  Watch the **YouTube video** to see how these are turned into songs with playful touch and eye contact.

Rock-a-Bye Baby

Original:

Rock-a-Bye baby on the tree top

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall

And down will come baby, cradle and all

Modified:

Rock-a-Bye baby on the tree top,

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

If the bough breaks, the cradle could fall

But mama will catch you, cradle and all

Humpty Dumpty

Original:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the king's horses and all the king's men

Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Modified:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the king’s (or queens) horses and all the king's men

Worked hard and put Humpty together again!

Be sure to choose ones that resonate with you, bring you joy and comfort, and will allow you to create safety in your relationship with your child.

If you want more ideas about what Love Links you can incorporate into your relationship with your child, refer to I Love You Rituals by Dr. Becky Bailey